I want to Love her
by necar
Summary: first chapters are Reupdated. What happens, if Alex lose the best thing in her life. FEMSLASH Alex Olivia. More coming Soon. Thanks to my beta reader Color Esperanza :
1. Call Me Alex

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

**Chapter Title: **Call Me Alex

She walked along the dark street, blinded by doubt. She didn't know what she should do. _Could she do this; what Olivia wanted?_ They had been together six months, and it had been the best time of Alex Cabot's life. But something had changed. Olivia wanted to deepen the relationship; Alex didn't know if she could. _Why do we have to do that? We're great without everyone knowing that we are together. _

Alex Cabot stopped at Olivia's door. She knocked, instead of using her key.

"Liv, I know that you're in there, please open the door." Alex waited for another minute, but nobody answered. She took the key and opened the door to Olivia's apartment. "Liv, you here?" Alex went to the living room: nobody. She went further to the bedroom, but Olivia was not there either. Alex felt tears in here eyes. _Why isn't she here?_ She lay on the bed and embraced Olivia's pillow. She cried herself to sleep.

_**FLASHBACK **_

_Alex heard knocking on her office door. "Yeah?" She was too exhausted to sound friendly. "Detective Benson, what can I do for you?" She was surprised, but not displeased; she had a crush on the female detective. _

_"I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink. I know it was a hard day for everyone." There was a long pause. _

_"I would love to get a drink." Alex went from her desk and collected her things. "Where do you want to go?" _

_"I know a bar near here, if you want to try it." _

_"It sounds perfect, Detective," Alex said with a small smile. _

_They arrived and took a small table near the edge of the bar. They were served quickly. "Great service," she remarked to Olivia. _

_"Yeah, I come often after a hard case. I love the atmosphere here. It's not a typical bar." Olivia smiled. She couldn't believe that she was here with Alex Cabot. Alex Cabot, the most beautiful women that she'd ever seen. She'd had a crush ever since she'd seen Alex the first time, and that was ten months ago. She loved her ice blue eyes and he "ice queen" face. It turned her on."So counselor," she began nervously, not knowing what to say. _

_"Call me Alex." _

_"Huh?" Olivia was a little confused. _

_"You can call me Alex; I mean, we've known each other for ten months. You can call me Alex, unless you enjoy calling me Counselor." _

_Olivia was surprised. "Okay, Alex, but only if you call me Liv." She grinned. "Unless you enjoy calling me Detective." Both women laughed. _

_Alex sighed. "It was a really hard day. I hate to lose. Those children did not deserve that happened. I know that people call me "ice queen," and I like that nickname because it protects me against the pain." She paused uncertainly. "At least, I think it does." She smiled sadly. _

_"Alex." Olivia took Alex's hand and smiled. "It's not your fault; you did everything that you could. Believe me, please; you did an awesome job." Olivia paused, and then continued slowly "And, Alex, you're not an "ice queen;" you're a beautiful and friendly woman." She smiled and Alex smiled back. _

_"Thanks, Liv." She loved having Olivia's hand on hers. _

_The rest of the evening went quickly. They enjoyed the company of the other and were both disappointed when it came time to leave. They went outside into the cole November wind. _

_"I enjoyed the evening, Alex," said Olivia, with a little smiled. _

_"Me too, Liv. It was great; we should do it again sometime." _

_"Yeah, we should." Olivia flagged a taxi and opened the door for Alex. They were close now, and neither wanted to move. Their lips were only a few centimeters apart. Olivia wanted to kiss Alex, but the taxi was waiting. _

_"I should go," whispered Alex. _

_Olivia smiled sadly and nodded. "I will see you tomorrow," she said, hugging the ADA. _

_Alex entered the car and the taxi driver drove off. Alex replayed the evening happily. She could see the beginnings of something between them and she would soon find out what._


	2. Better Days

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

**Chapter Title: **Better Days

It was 2:00 AM when Olivia came home. She was tired and exhausted, but hurt most of all. She didn't know why Alex didn't love her. The last six months had been the best months of her life, but Alex didn't want to take it to the next step. Olivia didn't understand why not.

Olivia went to the kitchen for water and then to the bedroom. She wanted to sleep. She was surprised and angry to see Alex in her bed embracing her pillow. Olivia went to the bathroom and turned on the water of the shower. _Why is Alex here?_ Olivia wondered. _She doesn't want a relationship._ Tears came slowly to Olivia's eyes. She wasn't sure she loved Alex anymore.

As the water became cold, Olivia turned off the water and dried herself. She wanted to go to bed, but she couldn't. She went to the bedroom and stood before Alex, thinking. Finally she lay on the other side of the bed; she didn't want to wake Alex. She couldn't sleep. Alex stirred slightly. Olivia felt tears well in her eyes again as she thought of the old times and fond memories…better days.

_**FLASHBACK**_

"_Benson."_

"_Hey, Liv, it's Alex." Olivia smiled._

"_Hey, baby," she whispered. _

"_Can you come here, Liv?" Alex asked flirtatiously._

"_Why, is something wrong?" Olivia asked anxiously._

"_No, Liv, I only missed you. I love you so much."_

"_I know why you love me," Olivia giggled._

"_No, Detective Benson, I _don't_ believe I know why I love you. You should come and show me." Olivia could hear the grin in Alex's voice. She glanced at her watch._

"_I'll be there in half an hour."_

"_Okay, love you, Liv."_

"_Love you too, sweetie." Olivia hung up and quickly left the precinct._

_**END FLASHBACK**_

"Baby, your cell phone is ringing," said Alex suddenly.

Olivia took her cell phone and answered it. "Benson."

"Liv, we have a new case; you need to come down here." It was Elliot.

Olivia sighed. "I'll be there in twenty minutes." She jumped out of the bed, ignoring Alex. She took her clothes and went to the bathroom. She emerged five minutes later and left, taking her badge and gun, and not saying a word to Alex.

Alex could only watch speechlessly as Olivia left. She sighed, and then stood up. She left the apartment; she knew she should leave.

Her heart was heavy and full of pain. She wanted tot ell Olivia that she loved her. She wanted to hear Olivia say the same to her…

Alex felt tears slip down her face as she walked slowly back to her apartment.

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Elliot was waiting for her when Olivia entered the hospital.

"What do we have, El?"

"Fifteen-year-old girl; name is Shirin Shalev. She's four months pregnant."

"What happened to her?"

"Witnesses found her in Central Park. She has some really deep bruises, cuts, and her hand is broken…" he stopped and then began again slowly "…and raped."

"Is the baby okay?" Olivia inquired.

"The doctor said that the baby is okay, but it was a bad trauma with extrusion."

They arrived at Shirin's room and paused uncertainly outside.

"I will go and speak with her, El." Olivia walked slowly into Shirin's room and sat in the chair beside her bed. The girl had long, dark hair, pale skin, and several bruises.

"Who are you?" the girl asked. She had a strong accent; _Arabic, maybe,_ thought Olivia.

"Hey, sweetie, I'm Olivia, a police officer. I want to help you."

"I do not need help. I am okay. I want to go home."

"No, sweetie, you have bad bruises, your hand is broken and…" Olivia paused. "…Did you know that you're pregnant?"

"What; what did you say? I am not pregnant. I am only fifteen years old." Tears began to well in the girl's eyes.

"I know, I know," Olivia said comfortingly. She put her arm on Shirin's shoulder.

The girl cried louder and started talking rapidly in a language Olivia couldn't understand.

"Shh…It's okay, sweetie; you're safe now. No one else will hurt you." Olivia continued to stroke Shirin's arm until the exhausted girl fell asleep.

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Olivia sat at her desk doing paperwork when her telephone rang. "Benson."

"Liv, it's Alex. Please don't hang up."

Olivia paused uncertainly. She wanted to hear what Alex had to say, but was still very angry with the ADA. She sighed. "I'm listening."

"Please, Olivia; can I see you? I want to speak with you."

"You have spoken to me, Alex, and I thought that you already told me what you had to say the night you broke up with me."

"Liv…" Alex pleaded.

"For you, it's Olivia. I must go. We have a hard case. Bye, Alex." Olivia hung up and cursed herself. She knew she should talk to Alex, but she was too angry and hurt right now. She needed a break and left the precinct.


	3. augenblick Moment

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Law and Order: SVU.

**Chapter Title: **Augenblick "Moment"

"Shirin, it is very important that you say what happened to you," Olivia told her warmly as she say in the girl's room the next day.

"No, I'm okay," she insisted. "Please, I want to go home; I have school."

"Who is the father of your baby?"

"I am not pregnant." Shirin hugged her knees to her chest/

Olivia didn't know what to do; the girl was so emotionally broken.

"It's okay, Shirin."

"Can I see my dad now?"

"Sure. He's waiting outside." Olivia left the room and found Shirin's dad.

"Mr. Shalev, you may see your daughter now."

"Thank you, Detective," said Mr. Shalev. He stood up and went to his daughter's room, followed by Olivia. "Do you know who did it?"

"Unfortunately, Mr. Shalev, we have no idea; you daughter can't tell us much. And…" Olivia paused for a moment. "…You know that Shirin is pregnant; right, Mr. Shalev?"

"What? No, my daughter is not pregnant; she cannot be pregnant! He paled and entered Shirin's room quickly. Olivia followed him inside.

"Aba," said Shirin happily, tears in her eyes as she embraced her dad.

Her dad whispered something in her ear. "It will be okay, sweetie."

Olivia slowly let the room. She knew Shirin would be okay with her dad, and Olivia only hoped that someone had found more information about the rape.

She found herself suddenly wanting to see Alex, missing Alex. She loved Alex more than anything and she had though Alex loved her too. She hoped so. Olivia wanted Alex back.

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"Come in," Alex said in response to the knocks on her door. The door opened and Olivia entered. "Hey…Detective," she said softly, standing. "What are you doing here?" she asked, half curiously, half angrily.

"I though that we should talk." She smiled hopefully at Alex. She came to the ADA and added, "Of course, only if you want."

"Of course I want to talk, Olivia."

"Why did you sleep in my bed?" Alex stared; the question was unexpected.

"I don't' know; I went to your apartment because I wanted to talk to you, but you weren't there…" Her voice trailed off as she waited for Olivia's reaction.

"What do you want, Alex?" asked Olivia, now with tears in her eyes. "I mean, you broke up with me, and then I saw you in my bed, on your side…" Her voice trailed off too. "I can't do this, Aelx; I can't just be your little secret…I love you."

"I love you too, Olivia. But it's not that easy." Alex had tears in her eyes too.

"I never said that it was east, Alex. I really thought that you loved me." Olivia started to leave, but Alex stopped her.

"I do! I do love you, Olivia. You just don't' understand; you can't understand me, Olivia. I am so afraid, so cowardly. You deserve someone better. I'm not good enough for you."

Olivia actually laughed. "Alex, I will not give up on you. I'll wait for you." Olivia approached Alex and kissed her slowly. "I'll wait for you to understand." Olivia tore her gaze from Ale's and left.

Alex fell on her knees. "Come back," she whispered. "Come back, please…"

Olivia leaned against the wall outside Alex's office. "I lost her," whispered Olivia. "I lost her…"

As she drove home slowly, she heard a familiar song on the radio.

_Was ist mit uns passiert?   
**What happened with us?**  
Du bist mir fremd geworden.  
**You became strange to me.**  
Ich guck Dich an und fühle,   
**I look at you and would feel**  
ich bin bei Dir nicht geborgen.  
**I am not safe with you.**  
Wir beide wollten reden,   
**We both wanted to speak**  
jetzt streiten wir uns wieder.  
**Now we fight ourselves again.**_

_What now?_ Olivia wondered hopelessly.

_Es ist ein Augenblick, _

_**It is a moment**  
der Dir das Leben nimmt.  
**that life takes you**  
Und es ist ganz egal,   
**It is entirely the same**  
ob wir beide dagegen sind.  
**Whether we are both on the other hand**_

Alex put her head on her desk and cried. "Now what?"

_Ich hör Dein schwaches Herz schlagen,_

_**I hear your weak heart strike**  
und mir kommen die Tränen.  
**and the tears come to me**  
Ich wollt Dir soviel sagen,  
**I want to say so much to you**  
ich wollt's in Ordnung bring'n.  
**I want to bring in order**  
Ich bete, dass Du merkst,_

_**I pray that you notice**_

_wie ernst mir diese Worte sind._

_**How serious these words are to me**_


	4. Never Ending

**Chapter Title:** Never Ending

The next morning, Olivia went to the district and sat quickly at her desk. She didn't' want someone to ask her about the shadows under her eyes. She said a quick hello to everyone before going back to her work.

"Liv," said Elliot. "Liv?" She still didn't' answer. "Olivia!" He began to get frustrated and shook her should. She jumped from her chair and looked at Elliot.

"Damn, Elliot; don't do that again. You nearly gave me a heart attack!" She sighed. "What's your problem?"

"Are you kidding me, Olivia? I tried to get your attention for five minutes and I have a problem?" He started at Olivia and sat down on the edge of her desk.

"I'm sorry, Elliot; I didn't sleep well last night."

"Or the last few nights, right, Olivia? C'mon, Liv,; something is wrong." Elliot looked at her concernedly. Tears filled her eyes and she ran to the bathroom.

Alex walked in shortly after Olivia had left.

"Hey, Alex," Elliot greeted her.

Alex frowned. "Where's Liv?"

"In the bathroom," Elliot answered.

Alex nodded vaguely and left. She knocked on the door and entered the bathroom. What she saw was an Olivia she didn't recognize.

"Hey, Liv," she said slowly, walking over.

"What do you want, Alex?" Her voice was brittle.

Alex went closer to Olivia and took her face into her hands. She pulled her closer and kissed Olivia on the cheek. Her kisses moved slowly towards Olivia's mouth and Olivia didn't resist as Alex deepened the kiss. The kiss intensified and they didn't want to stop. Olivia felt helpless, betrayed by her body. Olivia set her hands on Alex's waist.

"Al…" she tried to get Alex's attention. "Alex…please…"

"I can't do this." Tears ran down Olivia's cheeks.

With a final kiss on Olivia's mouth, Alex turned away.

"I'll wait for you outside." She left.

Olivia looked again at her mirror and left the bathroom. Elliot and Alex were waiting at her desk. "You okay, Liv?" asked Elliot anxiously.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She sank onto her chair.

"Is there anything new in the Shalev case?" asked Alex.

"No; we have DNA, but nothing to compare it to. We have suspects, but Shirin won't say the name of the father," said Elliot.

Alex nodded. "Okay, if there is nothing else, I will go to my office. But call me when you find something." She took her bag and left the precinct.

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"Hello, Mr. Shalev. Could we speak with Shirin again?" Olivia asked.

"Sure; come in," said Mr. Shalev.

"Thanks."

"Shirin, can you come here?"

Shirin came from her room in the living room where Olivia and Elliot waited. She stopped when she saw hem.

"Hello, Detectives," she said, unable to hide the fear in her voice.

"Hey, Shirin. Can we talk for a few minutes?" asked Olivia carefully.

"Sure. What can I do for you?"

"We want to know who the father is. IS he the one who raped you?"

"Shirin," her father pleaded. "Come on, tell the detective who the father is."

"Lo aba. Bevakasha…Zeh lo chashuv." She began to cry.

"No, Shirin. It is important. Please tell the detectives who the father is." Her father's tone was serious. "Bevaska…Shirin."

"He didn't rape me. Please tell them to leave him alone."

"Tell us the name, Shirin."

"It's a boy form my school – a junior." She stopped a dn took a breath. She shuddered. "His name is…please leave him alone. He doesn't know that I'm pregnant," she begged.

"C'mon, Shirin," her father murmured.

"It's Isaiah York," Shirin whispered. Olivia wrote the name in her notepad.

"Thank you, Shirin." She gave Shirin's hand a squeeze.

"He would never do such a thing. Please don't tell him that I'm pregnant."

Olivia gave a guilty smile. "I can't promise anything."

They stood up and went to the door. As they went outside, Elliot looked at Olivia and said. "How long?"

Olivia was confused. "How long, _what,_ Elliot?"

"How long did you sleep with her?" Elliot was smiling.

"With whom?"

"You know 'with whom,'"

"Six months," she muttered and walked quickly to the car.

"What happened?" asked Elliot, interested.

"Nothing, Elliot. Leave it," she said firmly.

"But…" he began. He stopped; Elliot sighed and opened the car door.

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Alex heard a knock on her door. She looked up. "Come in," she said. It was Elliot. "What can I do for you, Detective?"

"Hm…I don't know, but I know what you can do for Olivia." He smiled and waited for a reaction from Alex.

She couldn't' believe what Elliot had said. She stared at him, lost for words. "Detective, I think that's none of your business," she answered, her voice like a prosecutor.

"You're so wrong, Counselor. I've worked with Olivia for seven years. She is like family and I will not let you hurt her. Your hear me, Alex?" he said angrily. "Why did you break up with her?" He sat down on a chair, unrelenting.

Alex sighed. "I can't do this. My career is the most important thing in my life. I can't risk it." She looked down; she couldn't' bear the way Elliot looked at her.

"That is really unfortunate, Alex. I really though you would be more intelligent." He walked to the door and stopped.

"Olivia deserved something better."


End file.
